Neutralization
by Shadow-ofthe-Night35
Summary: The reason the vampires are still in the Badass Club, or how Doctor Who Awesomeness Killed off the Cullen Clan, one by one. HUMOR Edward Rosalie Carlisle Emmett Jasper chapters complete. CRACKFIC!
1. Edward vs the Daleks

A/N: Vampires are generally badass--Dracula, Underworld, and Van Helsing just some examples of places where vampires pull off cool, sexy, and basically awesome. Twilight, however, completely disregards the awesomeness of vampires, and replaces their badassness with something resembling craft-store-infection (ie: glitter). This is the story of how the Daleks fix the sparkle problem infiltrating the Badass Club. It's meant to be humorous. If I offended Twilight fans, what can I say? I'm not sorry.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Daleks, and I certainly do not own Edward Cullen.

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**Neutralization**, or

**The Reason Vampires are Still in the Badass Club**, or

**How the Daleks Killed Edward Cullen**

"WE HAVE RECEIVED ORDERS FROM THE SUPREME DALEK," a Dalek intoned. Another turned its eyestalk toward its superior and questioned, "WHAT ARE THE ORDERS?" The first Dalek told the second. If Daleks could smile, the second one would have as it sped off across the night sky to follow its orders gleefully.

In the far northwestern corner of North America, in a town for some unfathomable reason named after the most useful eating utensil since the knife, a pale, bronze-haired teenager stared moodily out the wall of windows that made up the back of his house. He might have been brooding, but then again, it could have just been his regular, everyday facial expression—one he had trouble changing. It was hard to tell with him. He looked up at the sky and sighed. People were surely panicking, what with the twenty-six planets that had suddenly appeared where there was usually darkness broken by shining stars, but he merely sighed again and furrowed his brow further.

The boy turned from the windows and sat down at his piano. He began to play a sad melody, though it was rather overplayed and thus had lost much of its poignancy. But he ignored any doubts that this piece was anything but brilliant, because he had written it for the girl he loved even though he knew he really shouldn't. He was so intent on his music that he did not see the Dalek hovering outside his window until it shattered the glass with an earsplitting crash.

"YOU ARE EDWARD CULLEN, VAMPIRE," the Dalek stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," the boy said, standing. "And you are dead." He launched his lithe, rock-hard body at the metal intruder, snarling. The Dalek didn't bother to sigh in exasperation, though if it were human, it probably would have.

"EXTERMINATE!" it screamed. A jet of greenish-blue energy shot out of the rather whisk-like structure attached to the middle of the Dalek's body and slammed into the flying vampire. He jerked to a halt, midair, and his skeleton was outlined fiercely in the radioactive glow of the extermination beam. He crumpled to the ground in a lifeless—er, nonlife-lifeless?—heap and the Dalek turned away, satisfied. It was proud to have saved the Supreme Dalek the embarrassment of belonging to the same club as that pansy. It flew off through the broken window, nearly humming to itself in contentment.

Edward Cullen, vampire, was not so contented. In fact, he was no longer undead. He was now dead, never to move, let alone sparkle, again. Fan girls the world over cursed the Daleks with a hatred rivaling the Doctor's, but no amount of screaming would ever bring the bronze-haired heartthrob back to life—er, unlife?—and the true, non-sparkling vampires of the world gained re-admittance to the Badass Club. The Daleks were satisfied that they had been the means by which the threat had been neutralized. And all badass creatures slept content that night, saved of the embarrassment of one of their own replacing _menacing_ with something as completely un-badass as _sparkling_…

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I hope it wasn't too offensive, as it was meant to be funny. Thank you for reading. :)

--Shadow

THE DALEKS SAY: REVIEW OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED! (please? :D)


	2. Rosalie vs the Judoon

A/N: Down goes another one...

Disclaimer: I do not own the Judoon, and I certainly do not own Rosalie Cullen.

**Neutralization**, or

**The Reason Vampires are still in the Badass Club**, or

**How the Judoon Killed Rosalie Cullen**

"Go no flo jo ko do no tow mo fo ko jo go," the Judoon captain chanted in the monosyllabic language of the Galactic Police. It translated roughly to, "We have received orders from Judoon Command."

A second Judoon officer looked up expectantly and said (in translation), "What are the orders?" The Captain told him. His lips peeled back from his teeth in what could have been called a smile, as he stomped off to requisition a ship and a crew to follow his orders happily.

In the far northwestern corner of North America, just outside a town that was not called Spoons or Knifes, but instead something closely related to the two, a pale, platinum-blonde teenager was running through the forest. Her blinding speed caused anyone who saw her to not register that it was, in fact, a person running past him or her. Instead they saw only a pale blur that _might_ have been sparkling in the sun and _might_ have been dressed in a designer dress that no one in their right mind would go running in. But since this part of the forest was mostly deserted, there wasn't really anyone to see this pale blur, so it didn't really matter that it _might_ be sparkly or _might_ be dressed in designer clothes.

The young woman paused in her lightning fast sprint when she came to a pool of water in a clearing. Just as Narcissus of Greek mythology, she bent over the water and stared hungrily at her reflection. She knew that there was no one in the entire universe who could compare to her stunning beauty. She was so engrossed in the study of her own perfection that she did not notice the Judoon platoon surrounding her until one released his helmet with a sound of a tire blowing out on the highway.

"You are Rosalie Cullen, vampire," the Judoon officer stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," she said, standing. "And you'll pay for interrupting me!" She launched her beautifully sculpted body at the rhinoceros-like invaders, shrieking. The Judoon would have sighed in exasperation if it were in his nature to do so.

"Witness the crime. Charge: Assault. Plea: Guilty. Sentence: Execution." He pulled a rather wicked looking gun from his belt and easily pulled the trigger. A jet of red light pierced Rosalie in the middle of her flight towards him, and she began to glow from the inside with a red, burning light. She began to scream as her body flaked away and disintegrated into ash and nothing. The Judoon officer turned away, satisfied. He was proud to have saved Judoon Command the embarrassment of belonging to the same club as that self-centered twit. He gathered his squad and took off to return to his patrol, that bizarre smile back on his rhino face.

Rosalie was not smiling. In fact she couldn't, because she was no longer undead. She was now dead, never to move, let alone sparkle, again. Fan boys the world over cursed the Judoon for taking such a hot woman from them, but no amount of swearing could bring the blonde bombshell back to life—er, unlife?—and the true non-sparkling vampires of the world were re-admitted into the Badass Club. The Judoon were proud to have been the method by which the threat had been neutralized. And all badass creatures slept content that night, saved of the embarrassment of one of their own replacing _menacing_ with something as completely un-badass as _sparkling_…


	3. Carlisle vs the Master

A/N: Honestly, I didn't want to kill Carlisle. I think he's one of the two good things about Twilight (the other is Alice). But I promised to indiscriminately kill all the Cullens, so...here it is. Carlisle is killed by the Master, during the End of Time (I figure the vampires wouldn't have changed into Master copies because they are not human and the machine was set to change only humans). It was hard to come up with Carlisle's one defining fault, but I think that once I remembered he was a doctor it all worked out nicely. Let me know if you agree. :) Thanks.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Master, and I certainly do not own Carlisle Cullen.

**Neutralization, ****or **

******the Reason Vampires are still in the Badass Club**, or 

**How the Master Killed Carlisle Cullen**

"Sir?" the Lieutenant Master saluted, coming to attention behind the Original Master. The renegade Time Lord stood still, staring out the window in contemplation.

"Get a unit together," the Master said. "There's something I have to take care of."

"Sir? You're going personally, sir?" the Lieutenant Master asked, shocked.

"For this…" the Master turned, a manic grin spreading across his face. "Oh yes!"

In the far northwestern corner of North America, in a town famous the world over for having the most commonplace and useless name in the world, a pale, blond man stood on the front porch of his house, staring out over the green forest. He sighed heavily, lamenting the lack of wild animals to feed on, and the lack of patients to care for. And it wasn't that there weren't any patients—it was that they had all transformed before his eyes into that hale, hearty Master. He sighed again.

In a blur, he disappeared from the front porch, and in seconds reappeared with a squirrel in his hands, who very shortly to be drained of blood completely. He did not want to be hungry, in case any humans happened by. Of course, he'd been defying his own digestive system for approximately four hundred years, and figured he would be okay. But you never knew… He was so intent on feeding, he did not notice the Master, followed by a phalanx of other Masters, melting out of the forest and stalking closer.

"You are Carlisle Cullen, vampire," the Master stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," he said, dropping the drained squirrel and holding out his hand. "And you're the Master. Nice to finally meet the original." His politeness only made the Master roll his eyes in exasperation.

The Master said, dripping with sarcasm, "Why don't we sit around over a cup of tea and chat about all the wonderful things you do, and I end up spilling my guts to you so you can take care of me. I don't think!" He began rubbing his hands together, building up frictional energy. "Besides, you remind me of someone. Someone I hate. I just can't _stand _him, and his _goodness_, the way he _helps __everyone_ and tries to _save __everyone_. It's just disgusting! And you do the _same exact thing!_" Carlisle looked confused, but politely stood back, as if waiting for the blow. It came: an arc of bright blue, crackling energy slammed unmercifully into his head, eventually blowing it off completely. The smoking trunk fell limply to the ground and the Master's copies quickly lit both pieces on fire. The Master turned away, smiling. He was proud he had saved his fellow members the embarrassment of belonging to the same club as that nancy-boy—_his_ club, no less! He returned swiftly to London, and the ongoing search of the upper atmosphere for the Doctor.

Carlisle was not smiling. In fact he couldn't anymore, because he was no long undead. He was now dead, never to move, let alone sparkle, again. Most people in general the world over cursed the Master for killing such a genuinely good person, but no amount of wishing could bring the good doctor back to life— er, unlife?—and the true non-sparkling vampires of the world were re-admitted into the Badass Club. The Master was proud to have been the savior of his Club, fulfilling his duties as President of the Badass Club by neutralizing the threat. And all badass creatures slept content that night, saved of the embarrassment of one of their own replacing _menacing_ with something as completely un-badass as _sparkling_…

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Expect Emmett soon...


	4. Emmett vs the Carrionites

A/N: I'M BACK! I'm so, so sorry about the lack of updates... I took a vacation to Hogwarts and came back with nothing to show for it, and made a detour to Sherwood forest that proved mildly fruitful, but not enough to excuse this failure. BUT I'm back in the Tardis, and brimming with ideas. Hopefully my new college life will allow for more writing time than did my high school one. I'm not going to promise anything, but we can all hope with greater certainty that updates will occur sooner rather than later.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Carrionites, and I certainly do not own Emmett Cullen.

**Neutralization,** or

**The Reason Vampires are Still in the Badass Club**, or

**How the Carrionites Killed Emmett Cullen**

"Oh my mothers!" Lilith cried out, her eyes closed as she felt a stirring in the ether. The other two witches swooped down to the scrying cauldron. "Listen to what we must do."

Mother Doomfinger and Mother Bloodtide listened eagerly as Lilith outlined the simple, but terribly effective plan. The three cackled with delight as they launched their brooms across the night sky.

In the far northwest corner of North America, in a town so miniscule it was not only left off of maps but was impossible to spot on Google Earth, a pale, dark-haired youth was practicing his boxing skills on a convenient boulder. He marveled at his own strength, laughing as with each punch more of the rock crumbled away. A particularly violent hit actually cracked the rock in half, the two halves groaning as they rocked away from each other. The teen flexed his truly massive muscles before continuing to pulverize the innocent boulder until all that remained of it was dust and a few pebbles.

The fact that if you looked up the idiom "brawn over brains" in a handy phrase book the only definition you would find was a picture of this boy was fully illustrated when, having annihilated the boulder, he moved on to the nearest tree, punching craters in the trunk until it resembled the face of the moon. He paused in his demolition-streak to practice the perfect delivery of a dirty joke and a few innuendos he planned to shoot at his brother later in the day. He laughed out loud at his own crude humor, and was so absorbed in this that he did not notice the beautiful woman dismounting her broom and creeping up behind him to cut off a lock of his hair.

"You are Emmett Cullen, vampire," Lilith stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," the boy said, turning. "And you've come to the right place." He began to flirt with her, but she merely smiled evilly and called on her mothers, trying not to sigh in exasperation.

"Chant with me, my mothers!" she cried, binding his hair to a little wooden doll, and lighting the image on fire. A few rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter later, the blackened, ashy body of Emmett fell limply to the ground as the witches cackled gleefully, satisfied. They were proud to have saved the other members the embarrassment of belonging to the same club as that brute. They flew off through the night joyfully, back to London, where a play needed finishing up.

Emmett Cullen, vampire, was not so joyful. In fact, he couldn't be, because he was no longer undead. He was now dead, never to move, let alone sparkle, again. Fan girls the world over cursed the witches for depriving their image-driven minds of such gorgeous muscles, but no amount of screaming would ever bring their strapping idol back to life—er, unlife?—and the true, non-sparkling vampires of the world gained re-admittance to the Badass Club. The Carrionites were satisfied that they had been the means by which the threat had been neutralized. And all badass creatures slept content that night, saved of the embarrassment of one of their own replacing _menacing_ with something as completely un-badass as _sparkling_…

A/N: Jasper next! :D


	5. Jasper vs the Cybermen

A/N: I think I've said somewhere (or maybe it was just on my profile?) that Bella will be taken down in the last official chapter, so please stop asking me if she's going to be killed. She's a Cullen. She will be dealt with. As for the other most frequently asked question/suggestion in the reviews... THERE WILL BE A BONUS CHAPTER: Many people have requested that the Werewolf from "Tooth and Claw" face off against Jacob. This WILL be written. You shall be rewarded for your patience and your devotion to this story. THANK YOU.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Cybermen, and I certainly do not own Jasper Cullen.

**Neutralization**, or

**the Reason the Vampires are still in the Badass Club**, or

**How the Cybermen Killed Jasper Cullen**

"We have received orders from the CyberKing," a Cyberman droned.

A second one turned to face its superior officer and, in a slightly higher voice, asked, "What are the orders?" The first Cyberman told the second. If it weren't for the pesky lack of human emotions, the second would have squealed in glee as it stomped off to fulfill its orders.

In the far northwestern corner of North America, in a town where there was a warrant out for the arrest of the sun—it had been shining too brightly—a pale, blonde youth was leaning casually against the wooden wall of a classroom building at the local high school. He was watching a group of giggling girls meander slowly across the wide, rain-swept green between classes, his eyes narrowed, his nostrils flared. He looked vaguely constipated, or maybe he was trying to pass a kidney stone. It was hard to tell. He inhaled loudly and his lithe body tensed, as if one part of his mind were warring with the other, one half pushing him forward toward the kill, the other half barely maintaining control.

It was so hard, his vegetarian life. But he had not broken his promise yet—he'd sworn off humans, he'd taken the pledge; he was on Step Eleven out of Twelve. His girlfriend was so proud of him, and he really didn't want to disappoint her. The thought of her drove the enticing scent of those obnoxiously giggling girls out of his mind, though honestly, it might have been that the wind had changed. He was so absorbed in his battle with self-control and his thoughts of his girlfriend that he didn't notice the Cyberman approaching him, even though its every step sounded like a shotgun blast.

"You are Jasper Cullen, vampire," the Cyberman stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," the boy said, "and you are going to die." He launched himself at blinding speed toward the Cyberman, who would have sighed if it still possessed the human emotions the boy was trying and failing to manipulate.

"Delete," the Cyberman said, almost cheerfully, as its arm lashed out to catch hold of the vampire's neck. Pulsing electricity riddled his body as he screamed, falling to his knees and then collapsing completely, fried, at the Cyberman's feet. The Cyberman would have smiled, but again, the emotions were lacking. It was proud to have saved the CyberKing the embarrassment of belonging to the same club as that weirdsmobile. It stomped off back to its regular duties, practically humming with delight.

Jasper Cullen, vampire, was not so delighted. In fact, he couldn't be, because he was no longer undead. He was now dead, never to move, let alone sparkle, again. Fan girls the world over cursed the Cybermen for depriving them of such a real, sensitive gentleman, but no amount of screaming would ever bring their Southern dreamboat back to life—er, unlife?—and the true, non-sparkling vampires of the world gained re-admittance to the Badass Club. The Cybermen were satisfied that they had been the means by which the threat had been neutralized. And all badass creatures slept content that night, saved of the embarrassment of one of their own replacing _menacing_ with something as completely un-badass as _sparkling_…

A/N: Esme next... Maybe later today, if the wisdom-tooth-extraction goes well. :)


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